Change is not for the Faint Hearted

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can. Robert Cushing                         


In recent weeks I've had a really serious health scare. It brought me to make some life changes that I tried to avoid for a long time.
I have always  been into being healthy. I ate  right ..exercised on a fairly regular basis but I guess it wasn't enough.
I was rushed to the E.R. on a Tuesday morning and spent most of the day in the ER while  Doctors tried to determine what the hell was going on. The simple tests gave no clue yet my symptoms were getting more serious as time went on. Eventually they admitted me and there I stayed for a week.
During my stay at the "Hotel St. Mary's" I was poked..pinched and prodded as the medical staff tried to determine what the hell was going on.
 Eventually the Doctor came in with the story. I have a stress related disorder that is causing havoc with my stomach. It's nothing to ignore because it could lead to life threatening  consequences.

 It is time for some life changes.

I had to explain my stresses to a therapist and together ( more her wisdom then mine) we came up with a life plan. Part of this plan was I  have to learn a healthy way of life and  remove myself from the things that caused me stress.
 For homework the therapist  had me write down all the things that cause my stomach to hurt. Then I had to go through and make changes.
 I have to be honest this was hard. My tendency is to obsess and internalize things until it builds up to the point of explosion. Hence my family associating me with "Drama". I recently discovered that in my family it is considered an insult to be called "Mini Jane". That was very hurtful.
 I realize now with the help of this wonderful therapist that it's not "drama" but the inability to walk away from things that are negative and not good for me. I focus on the problems instead of the solutions. All this is reeking havoc with my insides.
 The first step in my life style change was to really do some soul searching. I had to face ugly facts and own them, It wasn't pleasant to be sure. No one wants to see what they've done. We mostly  focus on what others do or have done to us. It's a natural human reaction to find fault in others but not see our own.
Slowly.. I'm coming to realize that once I've owned my actions I'm no longer a hostage to the guilt for the things others deemed wrong. I have the right to do what best for me with out criticism or judgment. In that token I also have learned to allow others the same respect.
I understand that the opinions  of the people I trusted and held in high regard ..  are simply  "their opinions". What's right for them doesn't necessarily mean it's right for me.
 It's time for me to stop defending and instead respecting myself.  I think it's  time I start listening my needs when it comes to  making "my" life healthier.
 It takes conscious effort to come out of your comfort zone ( whether it be  good or bad) and change so much of what is our personal norm.
In personal interactions..reactions are the hardest.. because as much as you try to change... people around you haven't. Those you are the closes too are the hardest.
 There are some ..I've come to realize.. I will never have a healthy relationship with and needed to just  walk away. There re others that I  have to hold at a distance for right now. I'm working on changing my reaction to the triggers. Lets face it.. we all have people in our lives who  know how to push our buttons.. as we do theirs.. and do it either consciously or subconsciously.
 Of course we can't change others but I can change my reaction and what I'm willing to except.
Maintaining my privacy I've learned is very important. This is the biggest and most important change of all for me.
For years I was open about my issues and problems .  I no longer want to be "Naked on the Green."
I am learning  to deal with my concerns privately.. eliminating the opportunity for hurtful gossip. I'm not foolish enough to think there won't still be gossip but it won't be mine and I won't be listening to others.
This ordeal has taught me that it takes much more then a healthy diet and exercise to maintain a healthy body. We need to also gain self respect and acceptance of who we are. We must love and trust ourselves. Stop putting value on what others think of us.. at the same time start understanding that everyone is different. We all have different thoughts of what is right  and acceptable, No one should live by an others  standards.. we need to be true to our own belief and character or we loose our very souls.
My goal from this day forward is to work on me. To stop placing blame but except my shortcomings and work toward a healthier me.
This whole experience has changed me...I want to be a better person.

Look within, for within is the wellspring of virtue, which will not cease flowing, if you cease not from digging.
- Marcus Aurelius